The Universe is a fickle b**** and Bill Cosby is on Craigslist
October 24, 2016
I sent a plum lipstick through the dryer, received a Craigslist request from "Bill Cosby" and lost the ring I’d inherited from my grandmother. My Tuesday was turning into a real winner.
It’s just an object. I kept telling myself when I finally stopped searching for the ring the next morning. Life goes on, right? Memories live with us, not inside pieces of jewelry. It’s just an object, it’s just an object, it’s just an object…
Five hours later, I was still whispering that line to myself while sobbing my way through evening traffic. No matter how many times I said it, it wasn't feeling any more true. I am an utter disappointment, I thought. (and not just because I had shimmering lipstick stains all over the inside of my shirt. That was the least of my worries.) I had just launched a wonderful new project that was supposed to be an ode to my newfound peace. This was a day for empowerment and inspirited goal setting. It was not the day for me to star as "blubbering girl on I-71 South" in the comedic screenplay that is my life.
But sometimes the universe is a fickle bitch.
And some things are more than just objects.
No amount of perspective was going to change the truth: that ring meant the world to me. It was one of a kind, it reminded me of my GiGi and of the wonderful journey I’m on. It was an embodiment of the all the reasons I’m still sitting on my couch at a quarter to midnight writing a blog rather than starting the work week with ample sleep.
So I cried. I allowed myself a moment of immense disappointment. I felt the unfairness of it all – the frustration of putting effort and intention into creating good energy for the world and being met with what feels like a big ‘ole slap in the face. I felt like I was being laughed at for ever starting this blog and for tricking myself into thinking things could be good.
And then I wiped my tears, got out of the car and made it through the rest of my day. In fact, I made it through an entire week. That's right. I’m still here, Universe. *flips middle finger towards the sky*
I'm still here but it's taken me three days longer than intended to write this post. It's taken me three days longer than I wanted to admit that I had a rough couple days. It's taken me three freaking days to come to the earth-shattering conclusion that people, myself especially, can really suck at admitting weakness.
I said I wanted to talk about the hard days and that I wanted to be honest. I do. I want to admit that it's normal to start a day feeling unstoppable and end it curled up on the couch, deep breathing and counting the tiles over your fireplace until the self-destructive urges triggered by too much birthday indulgence pass. *which they did. Thanks, fireplace*
But if I want those things, why was I so mad at myself for this moment of weakness? How was I letting one bad day throw this entire project, and my self worth, into question?
The answer is that I had been lying to myself – sort of.
As my tears dried, it started to become clear that I’ve only really half-committed to owning my story. And in order to really start owning the other half, I was going to have to accept that, just like the bad ones, the good times are only fleeting.
How ya like them nihilistic apples? mhm. Take a big, bitter bite because I'm not taking it back.
I’ve been kidding myself if I thought I could write this blog only in the past. I've been lying to us both if I had us believing there wouldn’t be bad days that need delving into. Luckily, we're not actually nihilists here (okay, okay, so I am taking it back a little bit). I think we've given the words "fleeting" "transient" and "temporary" a bum rap. There's a lot of beauty in transience. Admitting that things are only temporary – good or bad – can give you a sense of control over your surroundings and the things you're experiencing. You might not have been able to stop them from happening but you can trust in the fact that they can end. They don't have to end. Ideally some of the good things won't if you work for them. But they can. and that's powerful stuff.
Even though this blog wasn’t intended to be a space where we talk about how great everything is and how warm and fuzzy we all should feel, I have to admit that this second post was hard. I felt like I was letting you down but the truth is that I'm not here to answer to your expectations. And you're not here to answer to mine. We're just here to hang out and talk about whatever gets us to tomorrow. For me, that thing today is the idea that all moments can pass. It's just up to us if we work to keep the ones we want to stick around.
So while I think this lesson could have been taught without taking away one of my most beloved possessions, I’m starting to see that the universe was actually doing me a favor. I want to apologize for calling it a bitch. So as my penance, I’m going to admit some things to you:
Some days, like last Tuesday and Wednesday, are really shitty.
I am not always good at accepting shitty things.
Losing my grandmother’s ring didn’t bring about the end of the world and accepting that fact wasn't easy.
I do not know how to get melted plum lipstick off my clothing.
I do not plan on throwing aforementioned clothing away.