It’s 10:23 a.m. I'm struggling to focus at work because I spent the previous evening fielding rapid fire texts from an ex-boyfriend, which cut into my perpetually dwindling writing and sleeping time. I’ve been toggling between company social media pages and email accounts in a feeble attempt at productivity when an email comes through from my local listserve:
Subject: “Anybody missing a donkey?”
The answer is immediate. Yes. Oh my god, yes. I AM, in fact,missing a donkey and now everything makes so much sense.
You see, I was on my way to writing you guys a really deep, meaningful blog post last night
and then my ex texted me.
and I was brought down from what had been feeling like an impenetrable high. Everything has been clicking lately and it's been surreal. When I read his text messages, however, they redirected all of that positivity towards my guilt complex.
I am what I appropriately refer to as "a feeler." I feel everything. Deeply. I feel things so deeply that there are times I wish I could reach down inside of me and rip the heartstrings out of my chest to stop the world from constantly tugging on them. Alas, I have to leave them in there because this is also what makes me, well, me.
When a feeler such as myself goes through a breakup – specifically one in which they did the breaking – there is a lot of residual guilt. Guilt because I've been there. I've felt it before and I can feel it now by proxy. My oversensitive, overused heartstrings have been shaved down and cut apart and sewn back together by people doing exactly what I did.
So all of a sudden it seemed unkind not to dedicate all of my energy into those messages and the story behind them. but I didn't want to. I didn't want to be a feeler in that regard last night. I just wanted to move on and stick with whole 'impenetrable high' part.
So there I was without much sleep or will to write, feeling utterly guilty for being happy and, to put it eloquently, like crap – and then I realize I am missing a damn donkey. Things have really taken a turn for the worst for me, psychologically speaking.
Sure, I may have taken huge strides this week towards my goal of becoming a cycle instructor. I may be finding healthy, constructive ways of talking about my EDNOS with the person I'm seeing. I may be seeing a great new person. I may be enjoying my job. I may be spending more time with loved ones. I may be succeeding in all sorts of ways... but I still don't have a donkey.
Thank goodness for this thing, this donkey, to remind me that there are still so many things I do not have and thank goodness for moments like ex boyfriend text messages to put my positivity in check. It is important to change your perspective once in a while and I'm so glad that I've been shown the truth: that I should be miserable.