If I could call my eating disorder up on the phone, I’d ask if it ever misses me like I used to miss it.
Does you miss being my everything? My motivation? My muse?
Does you miss the days when it was just you and me against the world?
What about all those long hours we’d spend together, dreaming of what we’d accomplish and the people we could become?
I’d have done anything for you. I’d have moved mountains just to keep you safe in my arms. What is it that all the love stories say? Ah yes... “your wish was my command.” more like my obligation.
If I could call my eating disorder up on the phone, I’d tell it I wasn’t angry anymore.
It’s not that this one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” situations. Because honestly? It was you. It was definitely fucking you. It was the way you whined and cried and then bossed me around. Oh god, and the lies you would tell. I mean I get it, you just wanted to make me happy. You wanted me to stick around… but the things you’d tell me just to make me stay.
So, yes, it was you but it’s also about me, and the person I’ve become without you. I can see what we had for what it was, including what I let you have, what I let you take.
You see, love doesn’t run off laws and obligations. It shouldn’t feed of my fears and weaknesses. Love? Oh, I’m so glad you asked. Well I think real love is about trust and care, and these are things you never had for me.
Love is about letting me feel it: the fear, the anger, the sadness. Love doesn’t ask me to push the darkness away, it just holds me until the light returns.
You see, I understand now that I was looking for something you could never give me. I was asking for what you never 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 to give me.
You wanted my devotion and I just wanted your help. …anyway. I don’t miss you, anymore.