Celebrating one year of Tallulahish (and living inside life)
October 17, 2017
"Anything worthwhile is bound to make someone squirm."
That’s how the first post on this site began exactly one year ago today, on my twenty-third birthday. Those are the words from my best friend that finally gave me the courage to buy this domain name and commit to talking about my eating disorder, mental health, and journey to overall "life-balance" in an honest, no-time-for-B.S. manner. 365 days and 53 posts later, on the eve of my twenty-fourth birthday, I'm re-reading that first post and reflecting on the year of learning, living, and writing that followed. Truthfully I wasn't prepared to feel this way. After all, I'm not famous. I don't get paid to write this... yet here my eyes are doing that water thing again. Because It’s Still Happening.
Tallulahish is still happening.
In that first post, I did my best to explain the journey that I'd embarked on at 22 that lead up to launching this site; the journey to “being okay” and loving myself with all of my flaws in tow. I explained that as this growth started to happen, the idea of “being okay” had been so new to me it was almost uncomfortable. “Raise your hand if you've ever wished that the good moments would end so you could stop having panic attacks about when they would inevitably turn bad again,” I said, because that’s how I used to feel. Even on the days where my anxiety or eating disorder seemed to be in a good place, I couldn't enjoy it out of fear of their impending re-entries. Breaking that mentality was a pivotal part of my recovery and my journey to self-acceptance. One year ago today I told you that even though it feels like the good moments are fleeting, they’re not. “Those good things are going to keep happening because they're already happening all the time,” I said later in the post.
And I was right.
In the 365 days that followed that post, I’ve had some bad moments. I’ve been stressed, I’ve cried, I’ve fought, I’ve lost my grandmother’s ring, I’ve had panic attacks after eating sticky buns, I’ve been tired and burnt out. But man have I had some good moments, too. I made a positive job move. I’ve booked more photography gigs than ever before. I’ve started openly and bravely discussing my eating disorder with my parents and my partner. My cycle career has strengthened and grown. I went to therapy for the first time. I slow-danced under a solar eclipse. I threw a “pants optional” birthday party. Oh, and I’ve listened to a lot of songs on repeat. Because as I said 365 days ago:
“I have discovered that whoever taught us to fear the replay button was a fool. Try hitting repeat. When you find a song that sends the thoughts racing from your brain and leaves you with nothing but dancey, head-rocky joy, just turn. it. up. and then listen to it again and again and again.
Because that's a good moment. That’s the kind of moment you should be exploring time and time again. The kind of moment that makes you feel so buttery and full of self-love that it’s almost dirty.
….and that feeling? Well, that’s Tallulahish.”
So many moments. I think the reason this birthday and subsequent anniversary of this blog has carried so many emotions is because so much of the last year has been affected by it. I feel as if I've lived so many more moments than any of the years before Tallulahish because I am finally present for them. I’ve lived the bad of this year moments, too (woof. 2017 hasn't spared us any). If I could edit that post from last year, I’d change it to say that Tallulahish includes the bad moments too – and knowing that they’ll end. Tallulahish is the act of living inside your life rather than outside of it. It’s refusing to wish your days away because you’re unhappy living them as yourself. It’s embracing and taking part in your own story.
And it’s still happening.
So thank you for being here and for being Tallulahish with me. Happy Birthday, Tallulahish. I owe ya one.