Oops! I ate all the marshmallows, and you're the worst.
March 27, 2017
The day is Thursday. I have just peed in a tiny paper cup.
Then, upon realizing the difficulty of writing one’s initials on a paper cup full of urine with a pen that is running low on ink, I remembered that the woman definitely told me to write my initials on the cup before peeing in it. Some life lessons are learned the hard way. Nevertheless, I managed to deliver the cup to its final destination and then I ate a banana flavored Laffy Taffy*.
Because I am the worst.
No, no, really. I am. Let me explain:
I chose to eat that banana Laffy Taffy. I reached into a basket full of Butterfingers, Snickers and other assorted mini candies and selected a hard, plasticy, shiny piece of globulous yellow sugar. I'm not sure where things went wrong with me...
So I started thinking about my life choices and I realized that I am pretty awful in other ways as well. For example, when I’m not making questionable candy consumption choices, some of my favorite hobbies include:
Getting angry about something (politics, social justice, the way the person next to me at the airport is chewing their hoagie), drafting multiple strongly worded tweets about the incident and then deleting them all.
Spending my lunch break shopping online, filling my shopping cart with things I actually need and then leaving the tab open, unwilling to commit, until my cache resets and I have to start the whole process over again tomorrow.
Texting someone a question, immediately researching the answer myself and becoming irrationally upset when that person's answer is incorrect or subpar in comparison to my own findings.
Driving all the way to my parents’ house to borrow something and never making it out of the kitchen because I start eating all the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms until I’m so ashamed at this I have to make a hasty exit sans the item I came for.
Blaming General Mills for poor cereal consistency when my dad asks who ate all of the marshmallows out of his cereal (sorry, General Mills).
Using words like “plasticy” and “globulous" despite spending $80,000 on a journalism degree.
Right? Okay, maybe a little wrong but these things are pretty strange, I can admit that. I also have absolutely no intention of changing them or apologizing for them.
because frankly, I have better sh*t to do than worry about covering up my imperfections and general weirdness.
AND SO DO YOU
like being a god-d*mn baller.
The thing is, we’re all “the worst.” We really are. We’re all weird as hell and full of crazy quirks – and if we wanted to sit in a circle and pick those things apart until our faces were striped blue and red from oxygen deficiency and rage, we could.
Or we could just laugh about them, refuse to waste our time apologizing or feeling bad about them and get on with doing the things we enjoy, are good at, and the world is waiting for us to do. We all put so much emphasis on self-improvement, it feels like EVERY aspect of our personalities are up for debate and that’s just not the case. Some things can just be -- especially if it means letting you focus on that stuff that, you know, actually matters. Plus, those dry, chemical-filled marshmallows are delicious.
So go pee in a cup the wrong way, eat disgusting candy, sneak marshmallows, and whatever else it is that you do. Just as long as you’re doing all that other awesome stuff you do, too.
*I feel it is important to note that: 1. I washed my hands before eating the Laffy Taffy and 2. there were some events that transpired between peeing and eating the Laffy Taffy like donating to Planned Parenthood because it’s important that they continue to provide people like me with amazing, affordable care and that they get some pens that aren’t running out of ink. re: the pee cup fiasco)